Once upon a time…

Once upon a time…ok, it was about a decade ago, during a nasty, nasty bout of major depression; I would open my eyes and greet the day with the sssssssszzzzzzt of a soda bottle cap untwisting open, followed by the crinkle of the cellophane unwrapping my stash of Oreo doublestuffs in the desk drawer beside my bed. Gulp, gulp, crunch, crunch,  I would stare straight up at the ceiling, corpse-like, and  announce solemnly to my poor buddy Felix: “I’m dying”. Every day. For an entire semester.

I was convinced then of some terrible, invisible, undiscovered illness plaguing me, rotting the insides of my shrinking 116 lb body. Nothing in my life felt right, and it was the only conclusion from the grab bag of possibilities that made sense, especially since sometimes I’d thought I might not mind…dying.

But um, obviously, I didn’t die. I’m reminded somewhat of that time in my life though because there are faint echoes of that feeling that I could just do that; die (but not by my own hand folks, not to worry). No, it’s just waking up and wondering “what more?”, “what next” “how will I….?”….on those days, I feel already buried. But I dig myself out of whatever hole and move on.

Truth is, in other ways, I’ve never felt more alive….as though I’m being carefully peeled away from something holding me back. That’s the only analogy I can think of. I went shopping for some clothing tonight. Instead of making a beeline for my usual blacks, greys, browns, and other drab colors, I chose……pink. Sweet, fresh, vulnerable and young….pink. It felt right. It felt….good.

So much has changed and so little time to document it. The kiddo remains charming, funny, and quirky. She’s an expert feather spotter and friend to all birds. She gathers pine needles on walks and fashions “nests” out of them; later depositing them on the lawns of strangers along the way….”for the birds, mama!”. Her eating habits continue to be wierd; for example, she’ll take a tomato, holding it in hand like an apple and skin its membrane with her teeth, then suck the juice out of it like a vampire. Once she requested a straw. I can’t just die, not for any reason…I have to stick around for moments like these, y’know?

I will probably be a bit incommunicado for a couple of weeks while I go about making life happen for the two of us. Hang in there, everyone. We’ll be doing the same.

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2 Responses to “Once upon a time…”


  1. 1 Bets October 18, 2007 at 5:50 am

    Love you, C.

  2. 2 Doktor Holocaust October 18, 2007 at 5:24 pm

    When I was little, probably a bit older than the Kiddo, there was this cartoon called Count Duckula, about a vegetarian vampire who would indeed suck the juice from tomatoes with a straw and develop other offbeat methods of getting his veggies in while his evil butler kept trying to convert him to blood-drinking.

    and I like the Kiddo’s method. Less sodium than what’s in bottled tomato juice. When I was little, I’d just cut tomatoes into wedges (it’s a miracle they let me play with sharp objects) and lightly salt them before devouring.


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