Archive for October, 2007

Once upon a time…

Once upon a time…ok, it was about a decade ago, during a nasty, nasty bout of major depression; I would open my eyes and greet the day with the sssssssszzzzzzt of a soda bottle cap untwisting open, followed by the crinkle of the cellophane unwrapping my stash of Oreo doublestuffs in the desk drawer beside my bed. Gulp, gulp, crunch, crunch,  I would stare straight up at the ceiling, corpse-like, and  announce solemnly to my poor buddy Felix: “I’m dying”. Every day. For an entire semester.

I was convinced then of some terrible, invisible, undiscovered illness plaguing me, rotting the insides of my shrinking 116 lb body. Nothing in my life felt right, and it was the only conclusion from the grab bag of possibilities that made sense, especially since sometimes I’d thought I might not mind…dying.

But um, obviously, I didn’t die. I’m reminded somewhat of that time in my life though because there are faint echoes of that feeling that I could just do that; die (but not by my own hand folks, not to worry). No, it’s just waking up and wondering “what more?”, “what next” “how will I….?”….on those days, I feel already buried. But I dig myself out of whatever hole and move on.

Truth is, in other ways, I’ve never felt more alive….as though I’m being carefully peeled away from something holding me back. That’s the only analogy I can think of. I went shopping for some clothing tonight. Instead of making a beeline for my usual blacks, greys, browns, and other drab colors, I chose……pink. Sweet, fresh, vulnerable and young….pink. It felt right. It felt….good.

So much has changed and so little time to document it. The kiddo remains charming, funny, and quirky. She’s an expert feather spotter and friend to all birds. She gathers pine needles on walks and fashions “nests” out of them; later depositing them on the lawns of strangers along the way….”for the birds, mama!”. Her eating habits continue to be wierd; for example, she’ll take a tomato, holding it in hand like an apple and skin its membrane with her teeth, then suck the juice out of it like a vampire. Once she requested a straw. I can’t just die, not for any reason…I have to stick around for moments like these, y’know?

I will probably be a bit incommunicado for a couple of weeks while I go about making life happen for the two of us. Hang in there, everyone. We’ll be doing the same.


decisions, decisions….

grey’s anatomy or the playoffs tonight??? ah, the agony.

love, love

I love quintessential New England days with quintessential New England weather while hanging out in a pumpkin patch with a dear friend and our beautiful girls, picking out, whatelse; the quintessential pumpkin.

And I’ve gotta love dear Mom of Assissi, who will drop her phone mid conversation in order to perform an intervention between a stalking neighborhood cat and a rare black squirrel. Save the squirrels!

 I also that the kiddo still loves to wear baby lotion and must be in my arms in order to sleep.

Someday, though, I’d love for her to reveal certain mysteries in our life, such as, for example, why she must nibble on the white and yellow ends of the candy corn and leave the middle orphaned.

Happy October!

October 2007
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