what is old…

…is new again. My sweet sister Pentyne became a bride this past weekend,  celebrating and  renewing a commitment of fifteen + years, dating back to high school. And for the first time ever, I cried at a wedding. A few times. I couldn’t help myself. It was so beautiful, and the kiddo and I were honored to be a part of the bridal party. I think the kiddo wants to do this again, actually. Especially the part afterwards, when the music comes on and she can hit the floor and get her boogie on. I have one question though….how did fun become so exhausting? I am old.

Last week, for no reason other than that I was bored, I made up a character, an old lady with an accent of no specifically known origin, and substituted her for myself all day whenever the kiddo asked me a question. Now, however, the kiddo prefers this fiction to her own mother it seems. She wants Rosella Bella to read her stories, to pick her up at preschool, give her a bath, and so on. I’m feeling rather rejected.

did you know?

Daffodils can speak.

They wait, stranded in the fresh spring earth, begging for a one on one. With the kiddo. What do they say to her? They beg; beg, she says, to come home with her just for the privilige of joining the other pilfered posies sitting in a vase on the kitchen counter of our place, all of them aquired one by one after our long walks.

Because beautifying the grounds of the complex where we live isn’t good enough.

Sigh.

things I’ve noticed…

….just little things, while I’m in and around here on school break with the kiddo:

• Ritalin has not in anyway improved my utter inattention and disinterest in the finer details of cleaning. My cleaning sloth is chemical resistant, in spite of recent acquisitions of fragrant sponges in very pretty colors and citrusy scented cleaners.
• I’ve been to the playground here in and out all week and had two little girls tell me within five minutes of meeting them, that their moms don’t pay attention to them. I’m bewildered. It could be a matter of perspective…the kiddo spends 100% of her time with me outside of school and might throw a statement out there if asked. She always wants me—all of me—all the time. More than I even have, so I understand the otherside. I just know that parents are more important to their kids than perhaps they know.
• My birds like baths more than even me. And they’re ridiculously messy about it. Just let it all hang out, why don’t you guys???? Sheesh.
• There is never too much of a good thing in twins. I love that I live near twins!
• After spending the vacation watching the kiddo impersonate Spiderman by scaling chain link fences (webs, Mama!), and practicing basketball, I can probably say with some accuracy that my kid is not a girly-girl.
• I’ve been missing these for years In New England and wondered if they were purely an upstate New York thing…but Pentyne, pay attention, because I found them! Headlights! During the kiddo’s field trip at Price Chopper! Some of you may not know what these are, but these doughnuts are a soft, unfilled pillow of fluffy fried dough, with the tops dipped in chocolate and garnished with a dollop of white frosting in the middle. That dollop is so important! As well as the omittance of filling. Can’t eat filled doughnuts. Blech!

Amusing

Fail

perspective

Today in the Deciding Room, where, beyond lots of time spent waiting,  nothing ever seems to get accomplished (sigh), I diverted my attention from the details of the room (those bannisters still need a good dusting. And two lightbulbs are out. Beneath my seat where my fidgeting fingers traveled, there was a wad of gum. Not fresh, but somewhat al dente enough that I began to wonder about it’s germ content on contact. I digress) by reading. I read Into the Wild, a biography on Christopher McCandless, a man whose story haunts me, but that’s for another post. I started in the beginning and was more than halfway through the book by the end of the session. In front of me at one point stood a lawyer in a natty three piece suit telling the story of his 40th birthday. All he wanted was a Mont Blanc pen, a three freaking hundred fifty dollar writing implement. It was oddly surreal,  reading this true story of a young man who donated all $24,000.00 of his own money to OXFAM to feed the homeless; someone who regularly subsisted on a ten dollar bag of rice for a month at a time on his fateful trek across the Americas and finally into the bush of Alaska, while this man whined about an absurdly expensive  pen which ultimately did not write well.

surprises, surprises

Yesterday morning, I completed the last half of a required six hour parenting course before I go to the deciding room again tomorrow. I put this thing off for ohhhhh, four months. Not that it really mattered. It only matters when there is an agreement on the table. If there were an agreement, I wouldn’t have to go to the deciding room tomorrow. Anyhooo, it was a class of about eight people, who did not want to be there on a sunny Saturday. But by the second session, we were all comfortable with each other, which was good, because we weren’t being lectured in this course; oh no, we were there to share experiences and discuss. Which is exactly why I’d put this off for four months in the first place. I LOATHE these very things. Actually, if you don’t know already, I’m pretty averse to public exchange in general, thank you. My attention whore days are over and out. Done. In public I conduct myself as though I were attired in an invisible cloak, and dress and look pretty much accordingly. I was set to do my time under the radar at this powow and duck out quickly and quietly, certificate in my hot little hands to waive in front of my impatient attorney tomorrow. But damned if the woman sitting next to me in class didn’t have a story whose details were oh so similar to mine. I found myself sharing details, experiences, and perspectives, in spite of myself. In the first session.

I returned yesterday, feeling rather self conscious and vowing to keep a low profile. I guess I made an impression, because when we broke off into small groups according to the ages of our charges, I found myself with only one mother, and we had an amazing conversation. She was moving to a place in Massachusetts that I have been well acquainted with in and on again, off again manner, returning to the area like a magnet after any major change in my life. We had a lot to talk about regarding the character of the town and its charms.

And then she went on to tell me that she was thrilled that I was in her group, because I was so outgoing in the first sessions, and because I am……..fascinating. I was dumbfounded. I don’t want to insert the tired cliche of looking over my shoulder to see if she was talking about some other person, but I had some kind of feeling like that. Another lady had actually brought a blank book and presented it to me before she parted, tellling me to write. So six hours of my life became a nice warm fuzzy, and even though I present myself as being too cool for such things, I will take it.

Today it was cold and rainy, but yesterday was a stunning, seventy degree day. We spent it outdoors, where I peeked at the twins across the way and made cooing noises while the kiddo made a new friend. Wonder of wonders, she’s her own age. This is new. Usually, she gravitates toward older girls who fuss over her instead of treating her like an equal, which happens when you interact with your peers. I’m thrilled. The twins look great. They are fraternal boys, and are as different as night and day. One is dark haired, with boyish good looks, and an easy going manner. The other boy has blue eyes, and a face with ancient features, the kind one would find in Lebanon or Egypt. Nothing is easy for him. He never seems comfortable and cries frequently. I love cuddling both of them, but guess which one I gravitate to?

Miles the alpha male has finally constructed a nice, cushy nest out of the cigar box i hung up for them. It is more than three quarters packed with shredded paper from my shredder, and it’s where the two sweetiebirds now sleep at night. That’s a lot of work for a little bird. I like Miles very much, though sometimes I look at him and wonder if I should have named him Romeo.

kidstuff

The kiddo has adopted another pet. It’s a ladybug she found in the doorway a day ago. She made quite the crib for it out of a toy baking tray, a bed made out of a soda cap, and she even gave it a nice little rock to hang out around. Unfortunately, it  hasn’t moved this afternoon, and I fear the worst. I’ve been avoiding the issue. This is because last night, while we were watching a movie, ladybug got out and was lost in the quilted throw we were snuggled under. Havoc and drama ensued…”Ladybug, ladybug, come back! WAAAAAAH!!!! I’ve lost my ladybuggggggg! WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” And then, nothing short of a miracle….I found the thing, right in the folds of the blanket. Thank heavens. And now, this…this demise. Ugh,  I can’t revisit this drama again, so soon.

I’ve been working with her on reading. Just the three letter words. It’s been more enjoyable than I’d expected; never saw myself doing things like this and liking it. She gets frustrated at times, but she’s making progress and when I suggest a break, she refuses. I’m sure teachers experience this, but I can see she’s just on the brink of a breakthrough. I know she’s going to LOVE reading. I told my mom after I learned to read that I could read anything, and there I went, after that.

She’s discovered…Spiderman. She walks around with me casting spiderwebs from her fingers, anywhere we go. I didn’t see this coming. She also, to my delight, has expressed an interest in karate, which I think would be a good thing for her in the fall.

Our lives are busy with us both being in school (and she loves that Mama goes to school), but it’s settling down at the same time. I feel as though we’ve turned a corner of sorts.

See you tomorrow, peeps!

 

let’s get…

spiritual! Ok, not really. I stole this from dok H.

Astrological Sign? Sagitarrius. Indeed.

Chinese Astrological Sign? Wait while I go google this…well, well—I’m a snake! Mom will be so pleased. Not.

What are you currently setting your intention on or praying for? I pray for bird babies. I pray when I see Finn-Finn lounging on my sweater(s), that he hasn’t peed on it, though my nose suspects he has territorially pissed on one or two. I pray that this upcoming date in the Deciding Room, the one with the dusty bannisters I’ve spoken of before, is the LAST time, please, please, please. Please.

Who do you pray to? Ok, I really don’t consider it  praying in the literal sense, though I used to pray ALOT as a child. And liked it.  Now I meditate to put whatever is on my mind out there, onto and into some mass, communal swirl of energy of collective thoughts and actions.

Do you believe God created humans or humans evolved from primordial goo? I’ll take goo, though I will say that I believe there is some sort of intelligent, or higher force behind evolution. But it’s not a person.

Do you believe in Sin? Interesting how the “s” is capitalized. No, I don’t believe in sin, not in the sense of the decided upon sins that hold one accountable to a higher power, no. That’s too subjective. I do believe in karma though.

Do you believe in Evil? No. That makes poor choices too conveniently unaccountable; as in, “the devil MADE me do it! Save me, I’ve seen the light!” I call bullshit.

What do you do when you see 11:11? am or pm? When I see either the a.m. or p.m. version, I’m usually thinking of some state of rest, if in fact I notice, which is rare.

Do you believe in Angels? as people, yes, there are angels around us. As otherworldly beings, no. Which is odd, because my favorite movie  has angels in it, and I’m down with it as an exercise in existential exploration.

Do you believe in God? If so, what does God look like to you? If there is a God, I hope he’s like Pentyne’s version; an amused sort of boy genius who made an experiment gone awry. I personally don’t believe in God, no.

Is there an aspect of your religion/belief that you haven’t made up your mind about? My religion believes in reincarnation, which is hugely appealing to me and makes sense. But totally commiting to that is in conflict with my strong belief in spirits and “the other side”. I swear I’ve felt a connection to that, so I ask myself sometimes where reincarnation could fit in with that dimension.

Is there a religion that you don’t follow, but deeply respect or admire? I’ve studied Wicca and like the idea of a religion so attuned to nature and the seasons. I love that it’s one of the few religions that revere femine energy and make the female the more divine of the two sexes. I suspect Christianity cobbed quite a few of its customs and holidays from Wicca. I get the idea behind casting spells in a channeling energy sort of way, but it’s just not my thing.

Who has inspired you the most on your spiritual path? No one specifically.

In your opinion, what is the worst mistake we make, as a species? Greed, something no other species seems to possess, at least on the level common to ours.

What is something you would like to believe, but don’t? Santa.

Do you believe in soul mates? Yes.

Reincarnation or heaven? I believe in the possibility of both, at the best of times, when I’m not wondering if there’s just nothing. After all that evolving through various incarnations, a state of rest would be a good and logical idea.

Best “ah ha!” moment/epiphany? In sixth grade, when we had a unit on the Middle East and the three “major” religions that evolved out of there. At first I had a sort of adolescent spiritual crisis, then I concluded  there was more, and perhaps better, out there after thinking about it further.

Required spiritual reading? My favorite so far are the poems of Rumi, because of the scope of states expressed–joy, ecstacy, wisdom, sorrow, love, lust, etc. It’s the most living, breathing, and connected spiritual reading I’ve ever read.

If you could pick, in your final moments, what would your last words be? I have no idea. In the best circumstances, I hope I say something indicative of great love I feel for those I leave.

Advice for a lost soul? Read. Explore. Experiment. Play! Avoid anything that induces guilt. Spend time outdoors, connected with nature.  Leave room for possibilities and less for absolutes.

A song that encapsulates your beliefs? I’m sure there’s one but I can’t think of any off the top of my head.

 

give me strength

There are worse addictions, but damn, I cannot, cannot, cannot walk into Petco.

*deep, deeeeeeeeep breath*

For a long time.

On the kiddo’s “field trip” for her preschool class today we saw so many temptations:

• Spice Finches! Want! Society Finches! Want! Finches are such delicate birds, with beautiful chocolate and cream colorings. You don’t have to feel compelled to teach them any tricks, just sit back and admire. These could truly be an addiction. I do know there will be more finches in my future.
• And the fish! Want! The kiddo and I agree that the calico goldfish would do nicely in the aquarium I already have. They’re beautiful little fish that resemble koi. Don’t even get me started on koi fish. Anyway, I actually stood in front of the display, figuring out where they’d go…in my bedroom? Nah, the light would drive me nuts at night. I haven’t decided. But yeah, these will be mine too. In the future.
• I still can’t pull the kiddo away from the turtles. And they’re fun to watch, they really are. I considered them. But the risk of salmonella cooties icks me out.
• Then there was Calvin, a beeeeeyooooootiful longhaired golden tiger striped kitty who was visiting Petco for an adoption clinic. So friendly, so adorable. Wouldn’t he be nice???? But I can’t have more than two kitties, alas. Hope he finds a good home. Though taking care of other kitties might be a nice volunteer project for the kiddo and I…

I didn’t buy anything.

Today.

I’m proud of my control.

better than clap on, clap off

Three months after driving, I’ve become so accustomed to the lock/unlock buttons on my keyfob that I catch myself aiming it at my front door and expecting the same before I get into the house. One of these days, I’m going absentmindedly take aim at someone’s mouth running off and expect the offending mouth to lock up mid-sentence. How cool would it be to have a device that does that?